An Open Letter to Humanity on the Meaning of Easter, by Charon (the FERRYman).

Dear world,

You know who I am, and I'm damned sure(heh heh)that I'll know all of you eventually. I gotta say though, that eventuality isn't really a positive. I've been around quite awhile, and one thing that I can tell certainly about all you overworlders is that your manners are getting progressively worse. It used to be quite a contemplative thing for you people to die, and that usually meant that you'd be respectful and shut up for most of the ride. But somehow its changed into this "I'm dead, now I guess I can do whatever I want", and you've been coming down here acting like you own the place. I'll tell you this, being dead ain't no pleasure cruise. This river stinks. Like shit!

I think it all started with Hercules, when he got away with bending me over my own stern (don't laugh) on his way to have words with Hades. Then there was that Jesus character. First time he came to me he had nothin', not even a lousy coin. When I asked him just how he was gonna pay, he told me my reward would be in heaven. Now I'm no pushover, but I believed him, especially if it meant taking him across would get me outta here. The next day I was beginning to regret my decision when he just happened to show up again and ask me for a ride back over. I asked him about that payment from last time and he just shrugged his shoulders and walked, WALKED across the river! What a specimen of human "holier than thou" that guy was (more on him later). I thought it wouldn't get any worse with you all until Peter the Great showed up. Lit my beard on fire and kicked me in the ass that one did. Bertrand Russell? Flipped his shit and flipped my boat in the process. But the worst by far was that no good lousy Rodney Dangerfield. I could hear him from a mile away, and as soon as he made it down here, he goes "Hey hey hey, who are you? You look more miserable than a chinaman in a crypt" (which I've seen and I can tell you this is not the case. That's pretty miserable looking). I said, no sir I'm Charon the Ferryman and I provide the service of crossing this river into the underworld, for a nominal fee of course. The fat bozo says "Fairyman eh, where I come from they call you people lady-boys! Heh, you got a drink on this sinkhole?". So now I've got to go around making sure everyone understands that I'm a ferry man, not a fairy man. It just keeps getting worse. I get no respect!

I mean I really can't stand you people. And if it weren't for your deaths providing the only attainable meaning my life, I'd do away with this whole agreement altogether. What, do you think I even need coins? Where am I going to spend them, huh!?! On my paid holiday in Boca?!?! I don't know if you noticed, but my body is literally fused to the ship. There is no leaving. Even if there was, have you met my boss? He gets cantankerous enough when you ask for a smoke break, and you should see what he does to the people down here who try to unionize. I don't even know who got this idea that all I like is coins, as if I were some miserable Jewish stereotype. Actually, my mother was second cousins to Abraham, and my father was Armenian, but were getting off topic. Alls I'm saying is that flowers would be nice every once in a while, maybe even a thank you card, one with a audio message maybe?

Back to the whole "your dying providing me with a job part". This is what I wanted to talk about in the first place. SO sorry i took an opportunity to get MY opinion out about life, and you had to read it. Where was I? You see, back to this Jesus fella, he started something that is really going screw things up for me. This is a perfect example of you humans and the insensitivity towards those you don't see every day. Think about this: what will happen if what Jesus did on Easter actually comes about to occur to everyone? Happiness? Fulfillment? For you, not so much you, but you ma'am, yes for you. Not for me though. Do you have any idea what having everyone cross this river back to overworld, then most of them back again, only to end the occurrence of human death is going to do to me!!!!! Think of all the infrastructure preparation alone, only to have it come crashing down. And its not like I can build a snack stand down here to provide any retirement cushion. All I've got down here is rocks!!! And shit!!!

To think some of you actually pray for this outcome. It enough to make me bust a rivet! And as if it couldn't get worse, scientists are planning to one up ol' river skipper by eliminating death within' the next hundred years. Hundred years! That's like a nap for me. You really need to start thinking about what you want as an end goal for life. I know I've though about it plenty, and as much as I hate shouldering you sacks of gas, I need a job!!! Is it worth what you want to put me out of work and meaning. I'd be forced to become a nihilist. I might even get daring enough to sail down the river in search for something else. Not a better alternative when you remember that I live in Greece, where you know your close to civilization when the air smells of meat closets. As bad as this already is, please don't doom me to such a fate.

What did I ever do to you to deserve such an outcome? Never did I make you swim. I even would make a couple of unnecessary turns in my route to prolong the trip for those who were really sad about having died. I guess I couldn't ask you to stop trying to live forever, could I? Death isn't so bad. Its actually quite beautiful in some ways, and for those who long for permanence, well this is as permanent as it gets. All I'm asking is you consider it. Don't leave me here all by myself in the dark. I need you.

-Charon

P.S.- by the way, thanks for naming a moon after me, especially one that revolves around an non-planet. You people really are the worst.