Sermon on the Bun

Much has happened over the past couple of weeks and I have been neglecting my baby.  Despite this, I have a bunch o' topics I want to cover in the future- Oil spill, political ads, my summer reading list, crabs (not crabs, but maybe a treatise on generational repetitions).  But my dear bravers of the Deluge, there are more pressing matters to speak of at this moment.

My friends, I have just had what many would call a "religious" awakening, and I wish to write you of this new-found joy so that you may become my followers in this journey to paradise.  OH DON'T GO RUNNING AWAY, I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT A BURGER!  Now you've ruined the surprise.

It was last Thursday to be exact, and my wife and brother and I were off to dinner.  The idea was to go to Saw's BBQ in Homewood, but because of "Auburn Engineering", as my Dad would say, the roads down here tend to, well, it seems as if they tied a piece of chalk to a jack rabbits ass to plan the roads.  It being Auburn University, that may not be too outlandish of a statement.

So, I got lost.  No, I don't have a GPS.  It's amazing what people will buy these days in exchange for their free will.  While I was trying to get my bearings, I spotted an unassuming looking restaurant to my left, called HAMBURGER HEAVEN.  I asked the fam if they would like to try this HAMBURGER HEAVEN, and we all agreed to give it a shot.

I will say that for a long time in my journey I was unaware what was happening to me.  I was blind and angry at a substandard university's graduates who had left me no alternative.  When I got to the counter, the fact that the man at the register looked like a preacher didn't even occur to me at the time.  I was a little discouraged by the picture of Paula Deen at the register with their hamburger, still no clue.  As ignorant as I once was, only fate could bring me to such realization, such enlightenment.

Biting into my hamburger, it was as if the hand of God had reached down from the heavens and slapped my momma down (southern term, don't get confused).  As the commingling of ingredients hit my taste buds, my pupils dilated and my eyelids sagged.  It was what it had said in its name: HEAVEN.

Just look at the buttery halo!!! I do not lie!!!   I ate that sucker in 60 seconds.  Some of you might wonder why I wouldn't stop to savor it.  Well dumb dumb, it's like how tweakers say a shot of heroin in their veins lets them experience eternity.  It was just 60 seconds on this cheap planet, this mortal coil.  It was an eternity with the universe, all through this bovine beauty.

I left HAMBURGER HEAVEN dazed, three quarters tard.  But this is not the end of my story, oh-ho-no!  As I went to work that night, all I could think about was returning the next day, for such an experience does not leave you a free human being (some of you are laughing right now, and its beacuse I sold my free will for a meat sandwich, and for such cynicism and blasphemy, you will be sentenced to an eternity in suffering.  In hell, they don't char grill their burgers, they microwave them.  Oh, and they're also vegan friendly.  Who's laughing now, you wangs!).  All night I drooled and drooled.  I also had a substandard breakfast to stave of my hunger.  I felt like a whore.  It was my lowest moment.  But HEAVEN would be calling soon.

As dinner time arrived, I was actually traveling the road to Damascus when a flash of light knocked my off my ass.  I saw THE burger in the sky, and it spoke to me, saying "John-Pierce of Fairhope, Alabama.  Why do you resist me?"  I cried a little, and at some point I realized I was driving in my car, and I could see HAMBURGER HEAVEN in the distance.  The sky turned lavender with the rays of the sun turning blood red.  I saw a row of cows bowing before the restaurant, I'm sorry, the temple.  They we're chanting something like "MOOOOOOO!  MOOOOOOO!".  I might not be 100% on that one, but I think that's what they said.  As I approached the temple, I glided across the floor where I was greeted at the counter by my Burger Bodhisattva.  I picked up the Grail in my hands, and I partook of its splendor.  At that moment, a revelation was bestowed upon me, and it was this truth:  I will never be a vegetarian.

Below you can see a "lustier" version of my message.  Children, cover your eyes!

Thank you for your time, and I'm glad I could share with you this important discovery.  Now for some announcements:

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening

So you read this far, one more thing.  My buddy just launched a website for studying, teaching, volunteering, and working overseas.  Do visit his site, and tell anyone about it who might be interested.  I'd put up a photo of my friend for all the single ladies who like a man who makes money, but he looks like a child pornographer.  I'll just post the website here:  http://www.gooverseas.com/
Go visit!